So I’m riding bikes with Will, and he’s riding his mum’s brand new bike. The one she repeatedly told him to be very careful with.
J- “Be careful. One scratch, you’re dead.”
Will- “Yes mother.”
J- “Remember, be careful!”
Will- “I knoooow.”
J- “I’m serious. One scrape and…”
Will- “YES MOM I KNOOOW.”
(Riding down the street)
J- “WILL! REMEMBER. CAREFUL WITH THE BIIIKE!”
Will- “I KNOW! GOSHHHH.”
And we’re about a mile from home, and we get to the crossing at the end of a street.
Then that thing happens, that thing where Will, on his bike, waves for a car to go on. Then the lady in the car waves for him to go on. This cycle repeats until, yes. They decide to go at the same time. The car rams into Will’s side, and he is flung 5 feet into the road.
He’s laying flat on his back, and the woman driving jumps out of her car, as it rests atop J’s bike.
Lady- “Oh my God! Are you alright?!”
Will- (Bolts upright, jumps to his feet, and screams) “GHHAAAA, LADY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! GET BACK IN YOUR DAMN CAR, AND BACK UP OFF MY DAMN BIIKKEE!!”
Lady- “But, are you okay? Oh my gosh… I…”
Will- “ARE YOU DEAF?! I DON’T CARE IF I’M FINE, GET BACK IN THE DAMN CAR AND BACK, OFF!!”
Lady- (Shaking) “Alright… Alright.”
Upon seeing Will jolt alive and start screaming at the woman, I was on the sidewalk literally laughing to the point of silent laughter. It was incredible. I could have pissed myself, but I’m not like that.
The woman backs off the bike, and the laughter came harder. The bike was mangled. The brakes hung off limply, the handles were at an awkward tilt, and the front tire was completely folded in half. Will stared in what I can only call horror. And it was hysterical.
And it gets better.
Lady- “Listen… I, I don’t have much money… I can’t pay for this. But I make cakes! I can give you cakes!”
Will- “Yeah, you know what? Totally. That works. Just give me all your cakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah… NOOO. NO YOU CANNOT GIVE ME CAKES. I WANT A NEW DAMN BIKE!”
So he got her number, and wheeled his bike home the mile on the one functioning tire. I laughed the entire way. We finally got to his house, and rested the crippled bike outside. I couldn’t stop laughing so I was pretty much kicked out of the house to die on the side of the road. His dad, P, called me schadenfreude. It means I take pleasure in other people’s misery. Which isn’t accurate, because maybe it was my own.