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OMG LOOK, IT'S MY BAND, PORTSIDE LANTERNS, PERFORMING AT 1982!!

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Victoria- Mother’s remarks.

1) I walked in on my mum and my sister watching Eclipse.

A wolf came on screen.

Mum- “Oh my gosh, a duck!”

Maria- “No, Jeez mom, that’s a werewolf.”

Another werewolf appears on screen.

Mum- “Oh look honey, a cat!

2) My mum is horrible with comebacks. And has a habit of doing this.

  • Mum- (At the table) “Put more vegetables on your plate.”

        Me- “Nah, I don’t want anymore…”

        Mum- “Get more broccoli!”

        Me- “Noo.”

        Mum- “Get some now or I’ll show you BROCCOLI IN YOUR FACE.”

        Me- “That makes no sense.”

  • Mum- (In a bad mood.) “Vikki! Are you doing the laundry?!

        Me- “Yeah, do you have anymore whites?”

        Mum- “Stop asking questions! I’ll show you WHITES IN THE FACE!”

        Me- “That makes no sense.”

  • Mum- (In the Car) “Ghaa, did I make a wrong turn?”

        Me- “Yeah, it was the next turn…”

        Mum- “Shhh! I know how to drive! Shut up or I’ll show you A NEXT TURN IN        THE FACE!”

        Me- “Mum, my gosh, stop that, that makes no sense!”

        Mum- “I’LL SHOW YOU NO SENSE IN THE FACE!”

3) Things like this are often said:

"William, did your hair shrink?"

"Vikki! Turn off the lights so the lights are off!"

"The only part of cake I don’t like is the cake. And the frosting."

"Try this, It’s disgusting."

"Smell this, it’s disgusting."

"Look at this, it’s disgusting."

(Leaves bathroom door open) “Why the hell are you people looking at me while I’m in the bathroom?!” 

Victoria- CVS

I got kicked out of CVS. I get kicked out of a pretty good number of places. 

You know that McDonald’s commercial for the filet o’ fish? Where the fish is mounted on the wall, and he sings, “Give me back that filet o’ fish! Give me that fish! OooOOo! Give me back that filet o’ fish! Give me that fish! What if it were you hanging up on this wall? If it were you in that sandwich you wouldn’t be laughing at aalll!”

Yeah, I don’t think that was necessary. But yeah, those fish.

So my grandparents, my dad, his girlfriend, my sister and I were wandering throughout a CVS that was next door to a restaurant we were waiting to get into. And in one aisle, there were these singing McDonald’s filet o’ fish mounted fish like the ones in the commercial. And my dad was just about shouting in excitement. He called us all over, and says, “Please, do this for me. This one thing. There’s six of us. we each have two hands. And there’s twelve singing fish. So we can each press two buttons at a time, AND THEY’LL ALL BE SINGING! C’mon, what do you say? Please?”

"…"

"Pretty please…?"

"Carl, no. That’s stupid."

"I SAID PLEASE!"

"…"

"…"

"…Fine."

"YUSS!"

So on the count of three, we all pressed the buttons, and every single fish started to sing at the exact same time.

"GIVE ME BACK THAT FILET O’ FISH, GIVE ME THAT FISH! OOOO!"

Everyone rolled their eyes and walked away, leaving my dad and me behind. Then this grumpy old lady worker came limping over, yelling, “Who did that?!”

And as soon as she turns into the aisle with the singing fish, I turn around to see my dad bolting away down the aisle like, “Paha, sucker.”

Hag- “What do you think you’re doing?!”

Me- “Umm. I was just—”

Hag- “NO! You don’t play with the merchandiiiizzee!”

Me- “I wasn’t playing with the merchandise, I was—”

Hag- “Don’t argue with me! Are you here to buy something? Hmm?!”

Me- “Well I—”

Hag- “That’s what I thought, leave!”

Me- “What? But I—”

Hag- “Just LEAVE!”

I was the only one not laughing. Crazy hag.

Stupid fish.

Victoria- Airport.

Pretty much, Marrek’s little brother thought it would be funny to sneak his toy gun into Will’s backpack before they went through airport security.

The result?

"What’s that in the side pocket there?"

Will- “What?”

"The side pocket of your bag! Remove your bag!"

Will- “What, why?!”

"Security! Security Check 5! TAKE OFF THE BAG, SON!"

Will- “Um, okay… I… Oh, wait. This? No don’t worry about it. It’s my cousin’s, I didn’t know it was in here…”

Will- “No wait, it’s just a toy. See look, when I press the button it just makes noises… Like this, watch…”

"WEAPON, DUCK AND COVER!"

And this is about when a massive black guard tackled Will to the floor.

Victoria- Bicycle.

So I’m riding bikes with Will, and he’s riding his mum’s brand new bike. The one she repeatedly told him to be very careful with.

J- “Be careful. One scratch, you’re dead.”

Will- “Yes mother.”

J- “Remember, be careful!”

Will- “I knoooow.”

J- “I’m serious. One scrape and…”

Will- “YES MOM I KNOOOW.”

(Riding down the street)

J- “WILL! REMEMBER. CAREFUL WITH THE BIIIKE!”

Will- “I KNOW! GOSHHHH.”

And we’re about a mile from home, and we get to the crossing at the end of a street. 

Then that thing happens, that thing where Will, on his bike, waves for a car to go on. Then the lady in the car waves for him to go on. This cycle repeats until, yes. They decide to go at the same time. The car rams into Will’s side, and he is flung 5 feet into the road. 

He’s laying flat on his back, and the woman driving jumps out of her car, as it rests atop J’s bike. 

Lady- “Oh my God! Are you alright?!”

Will- (Bolts upright, jumps to his feet, and screams) “GHHAAAA, LADY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! GET BACK IN YOUR DAMN CAR, AND BACK UP OFF MY DAMN BIIKKEE!!”

Lady- “But, are you okay? Oh my gosh… I…”

Will- “ARE YOU DEAF?! I DON’T CARE IF I’M FINE, GET BACK IN THE DAMN CAR AND BACK, OFF!!”

Lady- (Shaking) “Alright… Alright.”

Upon seeing Will jolt alive and start screaming at the woman, I was on the sidewalk literally laughing to the point of silent laughter. It was incredible. I could have pissed myself, but I’m not like that.

The woman backs off the bike, and the laughter came harder. The bike was mangled. The brakes hung off limply, the handles were at an awkward tilt, and the front tire was completely folded in half. Will stared in what I can only call horror. And it was hysterical.

And it gets better.

Lady- “Listen… I, I don’t have much money… I can’t pay for this. But I make cakes! I can give you cakes!”

Will- “Yeah, you know what? Totally. That works. Just give me all your cakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah… NOOO. NO YOU CANNOT GIVE ME CAKES. I WANT A NEW DAMN BIKE!”

So he got her number, and wheeled his bike home the mile on the one functioning tire. I laughed the entire way. We finally got to his house, and rested the crippled bike outside. I couldn’t stop laughing so I was pretty much kicked out of the house to die on the side of the road. His dad, P, called me schadenfreude. It means I take pleasure in other people’s misery. Which isn’t accurate, because maybe it was my own.

Victoria- William at Walgreens.

Will is not very fond of a boy that works at a Walgreens about a mile from Will’s house. So Will and I walked over to Walgreens one boring day for the sole purpose of pissing him off. It was Will’s genius idea, really. I just sort of looked on.

We enter to see that the only current worker at the register in the guy. We immediately step into line and wait. Once we’re at the front, Will takes his time picking out a pack of chewing gum. He picks up one that costs 99 cents and plops it on the countertop.

"That’ll be 99 cents."

Will- “Why hello my good sir, and how are you this fine day?”

"…Fine. 99 cents."

Will- “Lovely.”

"…"

Will- “How much did you say it was?”

"99 cents."

Will- “Well aren’t we in luck! It seems I have just that amount!”

This is when Will lifts the giant ziplock plastic bag full of pennies and drops it in front of the guy. A line begins to form behind us.

Will- “Now I suppose I should count this out for you. Ahhhh….

one… two… three…

….thirty-five… thirty-si— Now wait, was that thirty-six or thirty-seven? Let me start again. (Sweeps pile of pennies back towards him with his arms. Five people are now waiting behind us.)

one… two… three…”

Twenty minutes later, Will finally hits ninety-nine. The guy says nothing. Half the customers have left, and the other half look like they’re veins are going to pop out of their heads. I’m trying not to die of laughter.

"Ninety-nine cents. Yes. Very good. You can keep the plastic bag, would you like me to put them back in the bag for you?"

"NO!"

Will- “…Well fine then.”

As Will slips the gum into his pocket he feels something.

Will- “Oh, look!” (Pulls out a dollar) “It seems I had a dollar the whole time!”

This kid has guts.

Victoria- Hobo Traps

After watching “A Christmas Carol” downtown, Mindy, her husband, Jo, his brother, my sister, and I were walking downtown. 

We spot a coat laying in the road. Instant thought? HOBO TRAP!

A bit later, lo and behold! Bread on the ground! Instant thought? HOBO TRAP!

me- “Haha, but nah man, who the hell wants a hobo?”

jo- “What do you mean? Everyone wants a hobo! Do you know how cool that would be?!”

I’m slightly worried about this boy.

Victoria- Vinny

Marrek told Will and me this story as well.

On the way to camp, he and the guys were on a bus. At a red light, the boys looked out the window, where a well-endowed woman was jogging down the street. A man walking a toy chihuahua was close behind her.

The guys are leaning out the window staring. And there’s Vinny, his face pressed against the glass in amazement.

"…Wow…

that’s a small dog.”

Victoria- My Sweet 16

My sweet sixteen.. hmm. 

Alright, let’s be honest here. I hate parties. I didn’t want a party. So of course, my mum and my aunt decided to throw a party. 

Basically, it was just an excuse for the Brazilian ladies to invite all their friends over, eat tons of food, talk about the naughty things they did at age 14, and put on stilettos to dance on the porch, where they tried to force Mindy to dance and drink, while she looked at me for mercy. 

I just stood there and ate bread. Lots of bread.

You know the party doesn’t revolve around you when you’re sixteen, and everyone at the party is over 40, the food consists of bread and wine, there are no presents, and your mother tells you to leave the room because you’re not adult enough to stay and listen to their conversation. 

mum- “Vikki… what are you doing here, leave! Can’t you see we’re having adult conversation? Go hang out with your sister.”

me- “… She’s like 10, man. And I see her everyday.”

mum- “Well one day you won’t be able to see her! Go, bother Will or something!”

me- “Thanks.”

I don’t leave. Bad move on my part.

mum- “Vikki, try this! It’s wine! It’s goooood!”

me- “I don’t drink, dude.”

mum- “DON’T YOU DARE CALL ME DUDE. You talk just like your father.”

me- “Okay.” 

Oh and then… then… My uncle, P, walks in. And J makes a point- (BLECH) -of winking at him, and saying, “I’m with the girls now. But don’t worry. I’ll take care of you later.” (winks.)

me- (throws up in mouth.)

Haha this is actually so funny, because Mindy, the most Christian person I know, is sitting in the corner in shock the entire time, with her eyes all deer-in-headlights staring at me like “GET ME OUT OF HERE.”

Help yourself, woman! Ye be 44 years old!

The fun part of the night was not helping her out. And watching her suffer… 

I haven’t seen her in like 2 weeks. I’m positive her life is so much more wholesome because of that. Seriously.

~ This is Mindy… CLEARLY I need to be checking these entries more frequently. And for the record, NO I did not participate in the drinking, dancing, or debauchery that went on under the guise of Vikki’s ” sweet 16 ” birthday party. I mostly sat in speechless shock. At least the cake was good.

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